


To Love Yourself

by Kuroko_Tetsuya



Series: To Be Yourself [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Dealing with being a shinigami, Depressed Ichigo, Ichigo is really skinny, Ichigo-centric, Masaki and Isshin deceased, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry, ichigo a, lives alone, shiro is concerned for ichigo, starts right after rukia's rescue, urahara acting like Ichi's uncle, yuzu and karin don't exist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 14:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8289238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroko_Tetsuya/pseuds/Kuroko_Tetsuya
Summary: Uhh, this will just focus on Ichigo accepting himself and soul society bonding with him. Ichigo mainly learns to finally accept himself. It happens after Rukia is rescued. Warning :this is very depressing and will get really bad at times depending on how the writer is feeling while writing!!!!!





	1. I'm coming home

 

Ichigo was back home. All alone. He still couldn't believe he had managed to save Rukia. But he hated that he was powerless before Aizen. He still had nightmares about what took place on Soukyoku Hill. But still, now he was just happy to be home. Happy to relax. Grateful that he didn't have to jump into battle every waking moment. 

He enjoyed the quiet that came with the house. It provided him with a sense of peace and yet it was bittersweet to his memories. 

_That night...._

Ichigo shuddered and shook his head vigorously to keep the memory at bay. 

_No, Ichigo, don't let it get to you..._

He sighed and cleaned his dishes, it was calming. Any kind of work was good. Routine. Peaceful. It made him feel less useless. 

He went to bed early that night. Tossing and turning, he finally just quietly stared up at the ceiling, flat on his back. Oh yeah, he still had his inner hollow to deal with. He let himself slip into his inner world to visit him. 

_The first thing he noticed was that Zangetsu was nowhere to be seen. Also that the atmosphere seemed really gloomy and humid as if it might rain any moment._

_Ichigo didn't know what to call his hollow but since he was albino, Ichigo decided to call him Shiro, hopefully he won't be too pissed off at it._

_"Shiro!!!!!!!!" Ichigo shouted, but got no response. And what do you do when the person you are calling doesn't pop out of thin air ? You shout louder._

_"SHIRO!!!!!!!!!!", he tried again._

_This time the hollow appeared before him._

_"What the fuck do you want, King ?" He seemed really pissed off._

_"Sorry for calling you in the middle of the night..." Ichigo apologised._

_"Yeah, I don't really understand why the fuck you called me here, but I'm just going to put this out there.... You're sad, depressingly sad, and old man Zangetsu is complaining like hell! ......, Shiro drawled slowly, "And I too haven't been likin' this shitty atmosphere, so I'll say it, why the fuck are you so down ???_

_"It's no business of yours, Shiro, Ichigo replied lowly, gaze downcast._

_"Well then, why the fuck did you call me out here, huh ?", Shiro asked him._

_Ichigo approached the topic slowly._

_"Uh....Shiro.....since you are my inner Hollow and I've seen how much the Vizards struggle with their inner Hollows, I'd like to make peace with you....that is....be partners with you. Instead of fighting for control over one body, couldn't we share it ? Please ?_

_Shiro looked at him mockingly,_

_"I'll think about it, King. And don't let it rain too much here otherwise I'll have to listen to the old man's bitching again."_

_"yeah, I'll try."_

_Ichigo sighed and exited his inner world_.

**The shinigami arrive just as he's about to fall asleep but I'll put that part in the 2nd C**

\----------SOUL SOCIETY BREAK-------------

The Captains Meeting of the Gotei 13 commenced.

The Captains of the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 10th, 12th and the 13th Squads along with the Sotaichou had gathered.

Kurotsuchi-taichou reported, "We have located high density hollow reishi near Karakura Town. I believe that there will be maximum-level hollow activity."

Ukitake-Taichou stated, "There is no need to worry. After all, we have Ichigo-kun stationed at Karakura Town. My suggestion is that if it is a high-level hollow lurking around, we should send three Fuku-taichous and a Taichou, as a prevention measure."

Seeing as Kurotsuchi-taichou was about to object in indignation, he added,

"And if it really is maximum-level as you say, then I request an increase of two more in the number of Taichous sent."

The Sotaichou's stick thumped against the tatami.

"Silence ! I hereby grant Ukitake-taichou's request ! I also command that Kurotsuchi-Taichou analyse the reishi and provide us with further information without delay. The Taichous to travel to the real world are Kuchiki-taichou, Zaraki-taichou and Hitsugaya-taichou. The Fuku-taichous to travel are Abarai, Hisagi, Matsumoto, and Kira Fuku-taichous. For the cavalry, we will be sending Ayasegawa, Madarame and Kuchiki. Meeting dismissed."

 


	2. Shinigami Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heya ! Ichi has a lil' dream and the Shinigami arrive !!! Hope You Enjoy !!!

Ichigo tossed and turned in his sleep. His eyebrows furrowed in distress and he had an expression of horror on his face.

Meanwhile, behind Urahara Shoten, a Senkaimon opened and out walked. . .

))))Ichigo’s Dream((((

_It chased him in a cold, dark area. It was the same day. The same rain._

_The same wounds on his body._

_Rukia screaming._

_His blood streaming out of his body._

_He was fighting the Grand Fisher again. _

_Only, this time it was ten times worse. His body told him to give up. His strikes were sluggish. Rukia was screaming at him to let her help._

_And the worst, the blasted Fisher taunted him._

_“Heh. . .how useless you are, Boy ! Couldn’t protect your parents. . . and now you won’t be able to protect your friend either. . .”_

_The Fisher’s voice was full of malice._

_“Shut up ! ! !”, Ichigo cried out._

_The Fisher grinned at him and turned towards Rukia._

_Sneering at her, it said, “Child, your name is unfit for a mere useless baby like you. . .now watch as I devour your friend . . . well I do have a preference for women. . . .”_

_Saying so, the Fisher began stabbing Rukia with its roots and cutting her to pieces._

_“Watch, you child, as I eat her, watch and know what a failure you are ! ! !” the Fisher gleefully shouted._

_“Ichigo . . .” Rukia whispered._

_Ichigo shouted in pain._

_Rukia had stared at him with empty eyes._

********BREAK********

The Battalion had arrived.

Urahara welcomed them.

“My, my, so many visitors . . . Welcome to the Shoten, Mina-san!”

“Cease the pointless talk, Urahara”, Kuchiki Byakuya said.

“May I ask who is in charge” Urahara said slyly.

Byakuya stepped forward but Toshiro interrupted him.

“I am.”, he said.

“Hitsugaya-taichou, what is the meaning of this ?” , Byakuya asked him.

“I have been asked by the Sotaichou to lead you all. Don’t question his orders, Kuchiki.” Was all Toshiro said.

Urahara snapped his fan shut and said, “What an excellent choice.”

“Whatever, when do we get to fight ?” Kenpachi asked distractedly.

“Zaraki, when we must fight, I will inform you first, alright ?” Toshiro said.

“Very well.”

“Now, Mina-san, we must make your staying arrangements, I will kindly allow Hisagi-san, Kira-san, Madarame-san, Ayasegawa-san and Abarai-san to stay here. I’m afraid that the rest of you must stay with Kurosaki-san.” Urahara stated, opening his fan and waving it over his face.

“May I know why you cannot accommodate us all ?” Byakuya asked.

Urahara stared him down and snapped his fan shut just a bit forcefully.

“Because Kurosaki-san has a lot of room in his house and I cannot afford all of you staying here.” He said.

Toshiro sighed, “Very well.”     

“Yes ! Let’s go meet Ichigo.” Renji stated, pumping his fist.

Rukia was silent. She was thinking about Ichigo.

_He might lash out at us. . ._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaas ! another chapter complete !!! Next time we will have them all meet Ichigo !!! Sayonara !!!


	3. Fried Rice and Old Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ichigo accommodates the Shinigami !!! Memories pop up !!!! Fried rice is yummy !!!

 

Ichigo screamed in pain in his sleep, unaware that visitors were shunpoeing outside his window.

“Oni-sama !” Rukia said concerned.

“Rukia, do not worry, we will go inside and see him.”, Byakuya reassured her.

Hearing the scream, both Renji and Rukia exchanged worried glances.

Toshiro frowned and slid the window open.

They found Ichigo panting, laying in his bed with a very scary looking pool of blood.

His eyes widened comically on seeing them.

“What the hell are you guys doing here !!?!?!?!” He yelled.

“Kurosaki Ichigo, I am not worried about your state of health but I believe you should look down.” , Byakuya stated.

Ichigo looked down and his reaction was immediate.

“Oh. That.”

Toshiro frowned heavily and asked, “Are you not at all worried about yourself, Kurosaki?”

“Well, don’t mind it. It happens every day around this month of the year. Man now almost all my bed sheets are stained.” Is all Ichigo said and let them in through the window.

They were in shock. Even Zaraki.

“You’re bleeding heavily, and all those wounds look self-inflicted, and ALL YOU WORRY ABOUT ARE YOUR BEDSHEETS, FOOL!!!!!!!!” , Rukia said angrily.

Ichigo grinned at her. “Well you always lecture me about cleanliness. Welcome home, Midget.”

He opened his arms and Rukia fell into them, sobbing.

Ichigo looked at Renji. “You too, Red Pine-apple.”

They hugged.

Ichigo cleared his throat, looking at the Captains. “You don’t have to come and hug me. I mean, it isn’t compulsory.”

Kenpachi, Byakuya and Toshiro were rather surprised to see all three of them like this.

“Right, that’s enough. Rukes, you can sleep in the closet-’’

“Pray, explain to me why my sister, a _Lady of the Kuchiki Clan_ has to sleep in the _closet, Kurosaki Ichigo_.” Asked Byakuya.

Ichigo smirked, “Because to me she is JUST MY sister and you are just Got-A-Stick-Up-My-Ass Byakuya.”

Before Byakuya could argue, ahem discipline the Kurosaki brat, Toshiro spoke up.

“Very well, Kurosaki. Where should we stay?”

“Hmm. . .Toshiro, Byakuya and Kenpachi can sleep in the room downstairs . . . and if Toshiro is here then Rangiku-san must be here too so she can sleep in the spare room. . . Renji you sleep in my room on the upper bed.”

They all looked up and Renji whistled.

“Nice bunks.”

Ichigo stood up.

“I’ll be going to the bathroom to fix this mess and then we’ll have dinner and talk.”

They remembered the state he was in and grew alarmed.

“Fool ! Do not strain yourself, Ichigo.” Rukia said.

Ichigo smiled wearily. “I’m fine, Midget.”

And he went on his way.

They all went downstairs and were impressed.

The living room was pretty modern with a few photos of Ichigo’s family. The rooms were sparse but well furnished.

They all got settled.

Ichigo came downstairs after some time.

He was bare-chested and wore shorts and of course his armband. **(By armband I mean it enclosed her entire left forearm)**

There was a huge amount of scars on his body and no trace of blood.

Seeing them stare, he stated, “I used healing kido. It works great, only leaves a lot of internal pain and scars.”

Rukia went to support him.

“I’m fine, Rukes.” He reassured her.

They all sat down on the sofas.

“So I’m gonna assume you’re in gigai.” Seeing them nod, Ichigo asked, “Where’s Rangiku-san ?”

Toshiro answered, “Matsumoto will come tomorrow.”

Ichigo made a sound of realization.

“So why are you guys here?”

Byakuya replied, “We were ordered to exterminate a high-level hollow whose reaitsu we detected here. Though that could just be your inner bastard hollow.”

Ichigo frowned heavily at him.

“Shiro isn’t a bastard hollow, Byakuya. Don’t be such a sore loser and put a stick up your ass just because you were utterly destroyed by him in a fight.”

Byakuya closed his eyes and turned away, nose in the air, in typical-Byakuya-fashion.

Rukia asked him. “Ichigo why were you bleeding when we came here?”

Ichigo scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Uhh. . . you know side effects of fighting a hollow. It appears in my dreams around this time of the year and attacks me.”

Toshiro was confused. “Hollows can do that?”

Ichigo explained, “A shitty but high-level hollow.”

Rukia asked him which one she was talking about.

Ichigo shifted in his seat, “Oh, you know, the ‘Fish’ hollow.”

Rukia realized what he was talking about.

“Oh, THAT hollow.”

Ichigo decided to distract her because she knew that when Rukia started to worry, there was NO stopping her and he really didn’t want to tell Byakuya, Toshiro or Kenpachi about the incident. So he subtly changed topic.

“Well, I guess I’ll go make dinner.”

Renji went after him, “I’ll help.”

Ichigo gave him an unimpressed look.

“Right. In Soul Society, you burned down a kitchen and now you want to burn down my house, too.”

Kenpachi and Rukia snickered.

Ichigo came back to the living room and flipped on the stereo and Asterisk by Orange Range came on.

“What is that, Kurosaki ?” Toshiro asked intrigued.

“It’s a stereo. We use it to listen to music, Toshiro.”

Ichigo was amused at their lack of knowing such simple things about the real world.

He went off to cook but before that he told them, “No breaking anything or I’ll break your neck.”

Ichigo went to the kitchen.

He decided to make fried rice with meat and vegetables.

Very soon, delicious aromas drifted into the living room and soon he had Renji, Kenpachi and Toshiro coming inside the kitchen to taste or rather eat all the food.

Byakuya and Rukia stood at the door of the kitchen watching them with disapproval.

“No, Renji you can’t have it. Nor you both.”

Ichigo finally kicked them out of the kitchen.

Quite literally.

They all mooched about the living room and Byakuya stared at a photograph of a five-year-old Ichigo smiling at the camera with his family.

_He looks so young and carefree. . ._

He picked it up to observe it closely. Ichigo was smiling happily with her pregnant mom and her dad.

Byakuya’s eyes widened.

_That man . . ._

“Right! Dinner’s ready, you Jackasses!” Ichigo announced as he put the huge pot of rice on the dining table and his eyes narrowed.

“Oi! Byakuya, what are you doing?”

“I was only looking at a photo, I would like to ask who that woman is.”

“Oh you figured it out, huh? That’s my mom, Masaki and dad Isshin.”

“Fvigured wat outv?” Renji asked stuffing his mouth.

“My dad was the last Captain of the 10th Division, Isshin Shiba, son of the Jii-san.”

Toshiro’s chopsticks clattered onto his plate.

His eyes narrowed, “What did you say, Kurosaki?”

“Um, son of the Sotaichou. . .?”

Toshiro recovered from the shock and nodded in approval. “Now we know where that brute strength of yours comes from.”

Ichigo laughed.

“Probably, and to answer your question, Byakuya my mother was a Quincy whose body had been infected by a Vasto Lorde level hollow who is now my hollowfied Zanpaktou. So NOW you know why dad stayed back here instead of going back to Soul Society.”

Everyone’s chopsticks dropped with their mouths.

Ichigo scratched his head, a bit self-conscious that they were all staring at him in absolute shock.

“Uh. . .guys ?”

Byakuya put the photo frame down and went to sit at the table and eat.

They all snapped out of it and continued eating. That facing opposite from Ichigo and giving them the famous trademarked Kuchiki glare had nothing to do with it, really.

Toshiro attempted to reconcile the conversation.

“So then Kurosaki, where is Isshin-san? I would love to get some history on my division from him.” He asked, wanting to meet his former Captain.

Ichigo put down his chopsticks.

“He died nine years ago.” He said quietly.

Ichigo fiddled with his chopsticks.

A gloomy silence spread over the table.

Then Rukia’s eyes widened in realization.

“Ichigo ! That day is just a few days away !”

“Rukia, what day are you talking about ?” asked Byakuya.

“Well, Nii-sama - ”

“You don’t have to tell them, Rukia.” Said Ichigo harshly.

“But Ichi - ”

“I said no. So if you know what’s good for you, you will keep your mouth shut.” He hissed.

“Fine but they’ll know someday.”

“They don’t need to know, Rukia.”

“The rice is really good, Ichigo. Where did you learn how to cook ?” said Renji in a desperate manner to stop the fighting.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I live alone in this house.” Ichigo stated sullenly.

Toshiro blinked. How much had Kurosaki suffered? He didn’t want to think about.

Renji grinned, “By the way, you look like a housewife in that floral apron, Ichigo !”

Ichigo scowled at him fiercely.

After doing the dishes, Ichigo made them all go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ! I'm sorry but I won't post regularly right now due to exams !!! In next chpt Ichi will show them around town


	4. Morning Shenanigans !!! XD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shitty morning with Ichigo !!!!

 

The next morning was shitty for Ichigo. ABSOLUTELY SHITTY. Secretly amusing too but not like he would admit that.

It started like this . . .

Ichigo was laying on his bed in a restless sleep and suddenly-

“ICCHIIGOOU ! ! !” , Rangiku shouted and jumped on her, her huge boobs nearly squashing Ichigo.

“What the fuck, bitch ???!!?!?! Can’t you let me sleep even a little ??? HHAAAAHHH !??!?” He shouted.

Downstairs, Byakuya fell out of his bunk. In shock.

Kenpachi woke up lazily and saw the Kuchiki-hime on the floor, sheets messed up around his body, wide-eyed as if he couldn’t believe what was happening, and promptly began guffawing at the sight.

Toshiro shot up and simply looked at them.

Kenpachi saw his state of undress (Oh! I mean hair) and cackled harder.

Rukia jumped out of the closet and said in alarm, “What’s wrong, Ichigo ?” Her eyes widened at the sight.

Ichigo locked Rangiku in a hold and threw her out the window. A very loud thump sounded from outside but Ichigo ignored it.

“Aaaah! ! !” Rangiku shouted in pain.

“WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU DAMN SHINIGAMI ?!?!?!?!!!!?????” Ichigo shouted.

And, yup now his neighbours hated him too. Fucking fantastic.

“Ichigooo! What would you have done if my clothes were ruined!” Rangiku pouted.

Ichigo scowled, “I would have made you wash them with your own damn hands.”

Somehow, Renji slept through it all.

He looked at Rangiku from the window, snorted and slammed the window shut immediately.

Kenpachi, Byakuya and Toshiro ran upstairs, hearing the yell.

“What’s wrong, Kurosaki?” Toshiro asked.

Ichigo glared at him. “Your fucking lieutenant jumped in my bed.”

Toshiro’s right eye twitched irritably.

“Where is she?” He asked.

Ichigo tore the window open and pointed outside.

“Thankfully, I threw the pest out before she could infect me.”

Byakuya’s mouth twitched.

Toshiro’s expression changed into a pleased one.

“Well done, Kurosaki.”

Kenpachi was leaning on the wall for support. His laughter was becoming uncontrollable.

Rukia frowned.

“Ichigo, you look as if you didn’t sleep at all. Why?”

“What the fuck do you think? It’s totally not because of Renii’s snoring, is it?” He deadpanned.

A loud snore erupted from the top bunk.

Byakuya was shocked. His lieutenant and so undignified. HIS lieutenant.

Seeing his face, Ichigo snorted. “Don’t worry Byakuya. Just hold your horses for a moment.”

Ichigo climbed onto the top bunk and instructed all of them to watch.

He inhaled and shouted at the top of his lungs.

“RENNJII! ! !”

“I’m up! I’m up! I’m up!” He flailed to the edge of the bed and slipped down, red hair flowing behind him.

There was a painful thump. Renji sprang to his feet looking at everyone.

The guy looked like he was preparing for battle.

Eyes wild, hair in no shape or form tamed and ready to spring at anyone. His eyes widened.

 _Fuck._ He thought.

“T-Taichou?”

Byakuya looked down at him, bemused.

“It seems I will have to give you lessons on sleeping, Abarai.” He stated.

Ichigo smirked and leapt down from his position.

“Good Morning, Renji!” He sang.

Renji glared at him. Ichigo’s sly expression shifted to an innocent one and he hid behind Rukia.

Who was trying her hardest not to laugh.

Renji smirked. “See, Kuro _gaki,_ Rukia isn’t laughing. She at least understands the situation, unlike you.”

Ichigo sniggered and shot back, “Or maybe she’s holding back because she doesn’t want your ego to suffer any more than it already has!!!”

Rukia burst out laughing.

The entire triumph went out of Renji’s face.

Ichigo and Rukia laughed harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Renji's insult to Ichi-chan, it was actually Kusogaki but I noticed the similarities between Kurosaki and Kusogaki, SO I used a mixed form of the word. See ya on Chpt 5 !!!  
> btw my exams get over tomorrow so I will finally upload two chapters in a row tomorrow or on Sunday, kay ???!!!!  
> Comment if you have a suggestion for the next chapters !!!!!


	5. Hontou Ni Gomenasai !!!!!!!!!! Sumimasen !!!!!!!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sumimasen.

Guys I am so sorry I am halting this story. I am starting the first part of this series which is To Hate Yourself (THY). I know some of you might have enjoyed it and I swear I will complete it but I will be very busy with the THY and exams and projects and stuff. SO my plan is to finish of the THY till April. And the second part of the series To Accept Yourself (TAY) will be written and posted on a timeline from May to December 2017. So I will pick up this story in 2018 January. I really am sorry to drop it for now.

The reason I am halting it for now is that this story needs a base since its events take place between the THY and the TAY so I should really first write the THY. Originally, this story was the first idea which came to me and from that I decided to do the THY and TAY.

So I really regret stopping it for now. BUUUT please check out my THY fic. Five chapters to be uploaded in January but my tenth grade is coming closer thus the delay

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry the chapter isn't complete yet guys I have to go to sleep and I'll edit and update the rest later. I'll post at least 1 chapter per week max : three. Spoiler, Rukia and Renji In the second chapter, Kay .? See y'all !!!!!


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